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I Am Not Ashamed, by Barbara Payton
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Literary Nonfiction. Memoir. Film. Women's Studies. I AM NOT ASHAMED, first published in 1963, is the absurdist tale of a forgotten movie star's unnerving decline.
When sleazy journalist Leo Guild arrived at Barbara Payton's flophouse Hollywood apartment, he was surprised to find that the thirty-five-year-old former actress was working as a prostitute to support her alcohol addiction. He brought her cases of cheap wine, turned on the tape recorder, and she began to speak . . .
Surreal and often depressing, I AM NOT ASHAMED is an anti-memoir: as Payton reveals intimate moments of her life, she slides down and down the wormhole of her memories and watches her life in numb horror. Unable to recover or make any changes, Payton remains locked in admiration of her brief Hollywood fame.
A self-proclaimed "con girl in specialized areas of living," Payton is pathologically self-destructive. Her favorite topic is men―how she used men to get ahead, and how they used her. In its bizarre frankness, I AM NOT ASHAMED follows in the autobiographical tradition of Jack Black's You Can't Win and Liz Renay's My Face for the World to See, and the literary tradition of Fyodor Dostoyevsky's Notes from Underground and William S. Burroughs' Junkie.
- Sales Rank: #514702 in Books
- Brand: Ingramcontent
- Published on: 2016-04-11
- Original language: English
- Dimensions: 7.40" h x .60" w x 4.90" l,
- Binding: Paperback
- 216 pages
- I Am Not Ashamed
Review
"I Am Not Ashamed is more than just tawdry memoir. It is a book that also possesses an unforeseeable transcendence within."—Heather Drain
"She wasn't the first starlet to come to a disreputable end, and there have been more since (although few suffered quite such a vertiginous decline in fortunes). Ultimately, there's a lot to be said for the lack of regret or hypocritical self-flagellation which normally characterises the Hollywood exile's memoir."—Minor Literature[s]
"But here's the thing, Payton's drunken ramblings and recollections (who knows how much are true or truer than you could ever imagine?) melding with Guild's jazzed-up pulp speak becomes something of a minor masterpiece (though minor is not exactly the right word here...). A dime store (in the best sense of the term) Notes From Underground—the bellowing of the underground woman, telling us there is something wrong with her looks (and most certainly her liver), filled with regret, self doubt, black humor, pride and touching reassurance that it might work out one day knowing damn well it won't."—Kim Morgan, Sunset Gun
"A few years earlier and a studio would have hidden her excesses from the press; a few years later and she would have beaten Jayne Mansfield at her own game. But Barbara doesn't wallow in what-ifs. She dishes out a few excuses, most of which so weak you know even Barbara didn't buy them, but she's not asking for forgiveness. She's telling you her story, and the least you can do is listen."—She Blogged By Night
About the Author
Barbara Payton was born in Cloquet, Minnesota, in 1927. She starred in her first film in 1949 and soon after took the lead role in Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye, co-starring James Cagney. When her acting career began to decline, Payton appeared in low-budget films and on the covers of tabloid magazines, and later became destitute and increasingly dependent on alcohol and pills. In 1961 she was evicted from her apartment, and she was arrested for solicitation in 1962. She worked with the journalist Leo Guild on her memoir, the camp classic I Am Not Ashamed, in 1963. Four years later, Payton died from alcohol-related causes at the age of thirty-nine.
Most helpful customer reviews
4 of 5 people found the following review helpful.
Great fun, but take it with a grain of salt
By Jim M.
Here's Barbara Payton's story in her own words. The problem is, when she was approached by Holloway House publisher Leo Guild to do this book, she was deep in throes of alcoholism. Reportedly, to get this book done, Mr. Guild kept Ms. Payton well lubricated and, when a story wasn't interesting enough, either spiced things up on his own, or encouraged her to elaborate on the truth. The story gets sadder and sadder as it goes along, and by the end you'll want to commit suicide. Knowing what happened next, her plans to get back on her feet at the end of the book are heartbreaking.
54 of 60 people found the following review helpful.
Heavily Fabricated But Fascinating In A Prurient Sort of Way
By Gary F. Taylor
Born in 1927, Barbara Payton arrived in Hollywood in the late 1940s and copped a contract with Universal, where a small role in the 1949 film TRAPPED drew good press--but even so she proved extremely hard to handle, and Universal was not sorry when Warner Brothers beckoned. It proved a good move for Payton as well, who delivered a memorable performance as James Cagney's vicious babe in the 1950 film KISS TOMORROW GOODBYE. The film put Payton on the Film Noir map in a big way, and at the time many thought she was poised for major stardom.
They reckoned without the lady herself. Payton was an extremely unstable woman who proved considerably less interested in her career than in sex, booze, and drugs--and her shot at stardom came and went with amazing speed as she indulged in one unsavory escapade after another. Her last film was the 1955 MURDER IS MY BEAT, and she thereafter quickly drifted into prostitution. By the early 1960s her going rate was five dollars per trick.
In 1962 Payton was in the headlines again--this time because a knife wielding john had slashed her stomach open. It was just enough publicity to tempt the publishing industry, which paid Payton one thousand dollars to make tape recordings about her life. Heavily edited and significantly rewritten, the resulting "autobiography" I AM NOT ASHAMED was published in 1963. It was not a success, and Payton herself, now largely forgotten, died in 1967 of heart and liver failure.
These are the basic facts of Payton's short life and shorter career, but you won't find many of them in I AM NOT ASHAMED, which is both very spotty and very sloppy--and that's throwing roses at it. Although Payton was said to have had affairs with everyone from Bob Hope to Gary Cooper, you won't find a mention of such, nor will it tell you anything believable about the night her boyfriend Tom Neal beat the blazes out of her fiance Franchot Tone, an incident that pretty much finished Payton in Hollywood for once and all. This may be because Payton was too far gone by 1962 to give any realistic account of her life; at the same time, the possibility of lawsuit was very likely a factor. Whatever the case, the result is considerable innuendo and little more.
That said, however, the whole book is so completely prurient in an early 1960s-pulp way that it is actually quite interesting to read. It may not give you the facts, but it does seem to distill Payton to the page; you can't help being shocked and often disgusted by her various stories, no matter how vague the details often are. And ultimately, you cannot help but feel sorry for the pretty blonde girl who self-destructed in the garden of earthly delights all those years ago.
GFT, Amazon Reviewer
6 of 10 people found the following review helpful.
Fascinating Curio
By Jery Tillotson
You should read this so-called memoir only after reading John O'Dowd's brilliant biography, KISS TOMORROW GOODBYE: THE BARBARA PAYTON STORY. By the time Payton penned this little memoir, she was a $5-a-trick prostitute, living in a skidrow flea bag hotel with her black pimp. Her fall from being a $10,000 rising starlet to a wino prostitute all happened within three to four years. No one but Payton was responsible for her plight since O'Dowd chronicles her life so thoroughly and the damning choices she made. She wrote I AM NOT ASHAMED for $2,000 and spent it all on cheap wine. While she was meeting with her co-writer to tape her memoirs in her filfthy apartment and with her pimp looking on, the taping was continuously interrupted by black johns trying to get into the apartment for a sex session with Payton. The resulting memoir is almost totally bogus in reality. Rarely does she mention any real names, probably because of lawsuits. She does mention the love of her life, Tom Neal, who is remembered by many as a great looking hunk but who some thought was a destructive force on Payton. He was later imprisoned for murdering his wife. Payton doesn't list any reasons for her downfall, from near stardom to skidrow harlot. O'Dowd said she was soused throughout the taping of her memoirs and in her bizarre reasoning, thought that the resulting book would put her back in Hollywood's mainstream. The book proved just another grotesque mistake made by a woman who still remains an enigma. You keep wondering why did she stay in Hollywood--when some of her few remaining friends begged her to let them help her find another life and a more respectable profession. Her answer: one day soon I'll become a star again. Just wait and see! Sadly, she died at 39--a beautiful, charismatic blonde woman who seemed hellbent on doing everything she could to enter the all-American nightmare.
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